How to read people - a guide

As a young adult I was seeking for inspiring people. When I met a great storyteller I was caught. When I expressed my admiration, my father said, e.g. "He is not a good person" or "Don't trust him." My mum might add: "Be careful, son."

I didn't get it. How could my perception differ that much from my parents? The reason was obvious: They were more experienced.

Over the years my experience grew, and I realised it is pretty easy. The problem is nobody is teaching it. There are simple triggers and way to become a people reader. And I managed it and so can you. Let's dive in.

"Observe Aggressively" [1]

I like how Marc McCormack put reading people 'Observe and Listen Aggressively' [1]. It emphasizes leaving no room to miss anything. When I meet a person the first I try to catch every detail:

What do they wear?
↳ Branded clothes, Expensive watches, Accessories, Glasses, Colors, Shoes.

These things tell you a lot about how important the appearance for them is. Are they well groomed or not. Some people wear expensive clothes but they are worn out. These people like to pretend to be elite. But their mind isn't. Wealthy (read not rich) have standards. They never have worn-out clothes in business. Don't mix it with simple clothing. Marc Zuckerberg wore a long time a grey T-Shirt - cost: 300$. Steve Jobs had his black turtleneck designed by top fashion designer Issey Miyake - simple, but expensive: 270$.

One further pointer is the shoes. I like the quote from the movie Forrest Gump. Shoes tell you a lot:

"My mama always said you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes, where they going, where they been." - Forrest Gump [2]

What kind of shoes do they wear and the most important question: Are the shoes clean? So many people have dirty shoes and hence they don't care 100% about their appearance.

These observations help you on how to approach the people. Even these things are connection points. You can say: "Oh, you have nice glasses." or "What for great suit." It is always good to start with a compliment. You build rapport.

The topics depend on your counterpart. Wealthy people are confident about their social status and they are more interested in long-term results. They do not discuss fast things like fashion. Prepare and pick your topics wisely.
The following table provides an overview of 'wannabes' and wealthy individuals with different traits. There are some hints on how to approach the people. Keep in mind that these are two extremes and there is a spectrum.

The biggest rule about this is:

What is their body language?
↳ Posture, Gestures, Movement, Facial Expressions

Always when I meet some Salesperson I know it will be fun. Why? Well they are super confident and they show it with every move: Large movement, huge waving with hands and arms - it all should underline their success. They want to show: I'm a winner. 0% humility, 100% self-confidence. That is OK because you do not want a shy loser to be your salesperson, do you?

And this is exactly what you should keep an eye on. Observe what kind of person you are dealing with. More open or more closed people. Somebody who respects personal space or not.
Again we have a spectrum. The key is to mirror the body language because it builds rapport and people feel more connected [3]. A salesperson reduces personal space to build a connection. An introverted person will not do this. Act accordingly.

Don't get me wrong. It is not about acting. It is about doing small things like the personal space, or keeping eye contact or not. It depends on the person. I have put together a comparison of an engineer and a salesperson. Again there is no absolute truth. Use it as guidance but not as the ultimate truth.

"Listen Aggressively" [1]

When people talk they reveal everything from themselves - everything. Here is where you can read people's souls. Keep only one thing in mind: People do not only say words - the tone and the body language say more than words.

Listen (watch) to the details:

• What is the tone of voice?
• Is there any condescension?
• Is the body oriented towards you?
• Is the body language aggressive or calm?

The answers provide insights about the thoughts and feelings of the person.

I recently had a conference call with a manager whom I did not know before - I was moderating. When he joined the call he directly said: Let's start. He gave no room to introduce each other. TRIGGER! I was in alarming mode.
He continued in his way - I'm the boss. He used a lot of 'upgraders' like absolutely, totally, definitely. TRIGGER! Everything that a colleague and I said was "totally wrong" or "you definitely not understood the issue". His following explanations were just paraphrasing what we said but in his own words. TRIGGER! The message was obvious: I'm in power and I don't care about you.

Note: Such behavior and language might feel like a personal attack. This drives emotions and then you become emotional. Arguments start to fire. You get a heated situation.

The way out is to realize: It is not about you. They are unhappy in their lives. They don't know how to get things across. Lowering others means raising themselves. It is the cheapest way to build ego.

This last sentence sounds so easy but it is the hardest thing to accomplish:

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
― J. Krishnamurti

There is only one way to learn this: Train, train, train. It is a muscle. The next table shows a small collection of trigger words - that are pointers.

Here an example: You hear the downgraders like perhaps, maybe, etc. These words imply insecurity - people do not want to decide. Everything is fluffy. Don't try to convince. Don't try to get a yes. Try to understand the concerns. Ask questions to start the reflection process in the person.

Again there is no ultimate truth. Smart people use these words to influence. Managers use these softeners/downgraders to sound less assertive, less powerful, less pushy. The goal is to communicate on 'eye level'.

This guide is of course not an exhausting one. There can be said much more which I leave for upcoming newsletters.

Note that you can not only apply this in the future. The power lies in your memories. Remind yourself of past meetings, conversations, and quarrels. Try to remember the people that you didn't like or like. Ask yourself why? Do you differ in social status and hence you spoke a different language?
Or in business meetings: What kind of words, tone and body language did some people use. What do you conclude now?

Again, reading people is a muscle. Train it every day. One last quote that I like the most about communication because it shows the depth we have to observe:

Even silence is a form of communication and perhaps the most powerful one. Talk less and listen more.

Sources:
[1] What they don't teach you at Harvard Business School, Mark H. McCormack
[2] Forrest Gump, Movie
[3] Iacoboni, M. (2008). Mirroring people: The new science of how we connect with others. New York, NY: Picador.