Who Controls Your Emotions is Your Master - It's better be you

You apply for an internal position. But what if it’s a leadership role, and your current manager is part of the committee? Awkward enough—and imagine you’ve had numerous arguments with them.

This was the situation my client, whom we’ll call Sue, faced. During our chat, it became clear that Sue often felt attacked or accused by her manager. Let that sink in: she felt this way. Nobody can deny or argue against an emotion—it’s personal and real.

In Sue’s case, she felt attacked and inferior. This triggered a defensive mode where she would justify herself, which often led to arguments. We had very little time before her interview, so we dove straight into recognizing emotional triggers and learning to manage them. These tips not only helped her at work but even helped her marriage.

The Four-Sides Model of Communication

Every message—whether spoken or written—operates on four levels, according to a model by German professor Friedemann Schulz von Thun. Let’s take his famous example:

A couple is in a car, stopped at a traffic light. The husband, sitting in the passenger seat, says:

"Hey, the light is green."

The wife, who’s driving, responds:

"Am I driving, or are you?"

In just two sentences, we sense tension. How? Schulz von Thun explains that every message contains these four levels:

1. Factual Level – The plain information.
   Example: "The light is green."
2. Self-Revealing Level – What the speaker reveals about themselves.
   Example: "I’m in a hurry."
3. Relational Level – The speaker’s perception of the relationship.
   Example: "You need my help."
4. Appeal Level – What the speaker wants the listener to do or think.
   Example: "Get moving."

Even in a simple statement, multiple layers are at play. Imagine how this compounds in a complex conversation!

However, above we focused on the sender. What might a receiver think? I have put together a table with both perspectives:

Back to Sue’s Situation

Sue wasn’t just dealing with the content of her manager’s words—she was interpreting all the emotional and relational subtexts. Her lack of self-confidence led her to interpret every comment as an attack or criticism. She felt like her manager didn’t trust her and thought she was a bad employee. This became a self-fulfilling prophecy, with every word triggering her ego and emotions.

What Can You Do?

The other three levels can spark emotions or trigger ego reactions. If that happens, you lose control of the conversation. Staying grounded in facts can help de-escalate situations. Here’s how it works:

Examples of Staying on the Factual Level

1. Manager: "Your presentation was lousy."
   You: "What part wasn’t good? Where can I improve?"
2. Manager: "You’re behind expectations."
   You: "What are your exact expectations so I can meet them?"
3. Manager: "That was such a stupid move in the meeting."
   You: "What exactly wasn’t good? What do you recommend?"

By focusing on facts, you avoid frustration and build common ground for improvement.

How to Practice This Daily?

To train yourself, start by identifying the factual level in everyday conversations. Take it a step further and use it in personal relationships, where emotions often run high.

That’s exactly what I recommended to Sue. She had six days before her interview—and a perfect opportunity to practice: she and her husband were renovating their house. A highly stressful situation!

Sue’s Breakthrough

When Sue’s husband made demands, she focused on the factual level:

• Husband: "I’m hungry. When will you make lunch?"
  Sue: "I see you’re hungry. I planned lunch in 20 minutes. Does that work for you?"
• Husband: "Why aren’t you helping with the tiles?"
  Sue: "Sure! How can I support you best?"

Her husband was so surprised he stopped working and said:
"What’s going on? You’re so supportive. Are you doing some communication trick on me?"

Sue laughed and replied: "It works, doesn’t it?"

I asked Sue how she felt: "I felt so powerful and in control. Even when my husband wanted a quarrel it just didn't happen. Awesome!"

The Big Day: The Interview

Sue went into the interview prepared. She focused on the factual level but remained aware of the other levels without taking them personally. She responded empathetically while staying composed.

In the interview, the group included external coaches and her current manager. The exercises included role-plays like performance reviews and handling demotivated employees. This should test the communication skills in a leadership role. Sue performed so well that even her manager praised her, and the coaches were impressed.

In just six days, Sue transformed her communication style and nailed the interview.

Key Takeaways

• Focus on the factual level to avoid being overwhelmed by emotions.
• Train yourself by practicing daily—especially in emotionally charged situations.
• Sense the other levels but remain detached to stay in control.

Sue did it, and so can you.

Sources:
[1] Miteinander Reden, Band 1: Störungen und Klärungen, Friedemann Schulz von Thun